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Happily Ever During COVID
During these trying times, it can become extremely hard to be apart from your loved ones. Fear not! Some of us already live in different cities or states making it much more difficult to get to see our loved ones on a regular basis. However, being in proximity to your loved ones can pose a problem at times as well. Here are some suggestions for surviving the quarantine together with your family.
The pandemic and suggested quarantine, has forced most of us to be together in our homes, all the time. Unfortunately, everything we used to do, now must be done differently. Somethings will never be the same. This is our new normal, at least for now. The mask and the gloves, to say the least. Disinfecting the boxes, and the groceries, and the mail! Date nights are now inside. The truth is, some relationships will be weakened, and unfortunately, some will be broken. For many couples, I’d suggest you take a good look at yourself and your relationship so that you will be able to protect your marriage from possible weakening or worse. In order to do that, I believe that each of us needs to take some dedicated time to spend alone together. If you have children, set some time for after the children are sleeping, if possible. That way you will have your dedicated time, your date night, quality time, or whatever you want to call it, so that you will have the opportunity to reconnect with each other. If you need to have breakfast together before the children even get up, do that. Either way, make sure that you set time for each other.
Be mindful of the needs of your family. I’m sure you want to do what’s best for you and your family.
Plan to take time for each other. And I suggest that each member of your family also having their own space as they need it. If you live in close quarters, designate a spot for each person’s get-a-way or “leave-me-alone” spot. It'll be best for everyone. Even if there is not a separate place or a room for each person, designate a separate area, a special seat, etc. You just need to figure out a way that each person can have their quiet time or downtime where their mind can rest and be free from the other members of the family. The stress of the crisis is enough. You don’t want the stress or claustrophobia to become another problem to deal with. Enforce that every member of the family needs to respect those wishes.
And as a mom how do you decompress or express yourself? Is it through journaling, doing art, or crafts? Make sure that you are setting aside time that you can gather yourself or get some mental therapy. You may make time to be alone, some time for yourself. Quiet time during the day or whenever it best suits you so that you can enjoy doing whatever it is that gives you pleasure, as well as, for peace of mind. This can be prayer, meditation, reading your favorite book, or watching a movie. Spend some time with yourself separate from the rest of your family.
I feel this can also be a perfect time to reconnect with each other. We’re here together so let's make the best of it. Share with your spouse or significant other what is it that you're feeling. If its anxiety, say it. Scared, irritated, hungry say it, lol. Whatever it is be honest. Show up for them and be honest with your needs. Your spouse needs to know what you’re dealing with and what they can do to help you. They may want to be everything for you but are unaware of your needs or even that you are in need of anything. Mom’s are quick to say, “I’m Ok” when in fact they are about to snap off on everything and everyone in the house. Being honest and showing that vulnerability can also encourage your husband to be more likely to verbalize his feeling with you. Communication strengthens relationships.
And it's ok to share some of your thoughts and feelings with your children. When you need something from them, tell them when you need a moment to yourself. Let them know so that they could give you the time and space that you need. Nationally, there has been a decrease in the reporting of child abuse. Mainly because there are no outside witnesses to report it. Teachers are considered an advocate for children. When they were seeing them every day they were able to identify a potential child in crisis experiencing some form of abuse, and they are reporting to the proper authorities. Unfortunately, with all of us at home, the children are put in positions where there is no one to advocate. As a parent, please take your time to protect your mental health so that you're not lashing out on your spouse or your children. Due to the lockdown, many people are locked inside with their abuser. Police are predicting a rise in abuse, lawyers are predicting a rise in divorce rates, and doctors predicting a rise in babies due to the lockdown.
Many relationships, be it romantic or parenting, are facing changes and challenges. Being very vocal with your spouse and your children can only create a healthy environment for everyone. Tell them your honest feelings especially when you need space. But be kind. You may need to leave home. Express when you need to talk, or when you just need to go for a walk. Never assume that your spouse knows. And never assume what your spouse is thinking or feeling. Same way for your children. Don't assume! It's a perfect time to open the lines of communication so that you can better help each other.
We are speaking on married couples and their relationship with children, but the facts are that single people are finding it hard to adjust. Especially those that live alone. There are some that had just started dating a new person. Long-distance relationships are already a strain. Adding the inconvenience that you are in lockdown may put a greater strain on the relationship. It's awesome that we have the luxury of video calling, which I highly recommend. Not physically being in the same place with the one that you love can be a huge challenge to use all available technology to make it through this time safely.
My heart goes out to those that are having life-changing events during this time. Such as babies being born, weddings, anniversaries, etc. The amount of time and effort that goes into special once in a lifetime events are now being canceled due to the pandemic. My niece was getting married in July and my cousin in August. It’s sad. Having large groups together is not an option.
So, how are we going to get through this and still be in love when it's all over? The first thing is BE KIND. Another thing you can do is to stop pointing out everything that your husband is doing that you don’t like. Don’t nag. Don’t point out everything you don't agree with. This is a habit that you should adopt anyway. No one wants to be bothered with someone nitpicking. But now while you are stuck together you should be more conscious of each other's feelings. Be more protective of each other. Intentionally try to do the opposite. Instead of complaining about any random thing, try to point out what you appreciate that your husband has done. Say, “Thank you so much for taking such great care of us.” “You did a great job on the lawn.” “I really appreciate you putting together my bookshelf,” etc. Don't think that you can say thank you too much. Trust me, it’ll make a huge difference in your relationship.
When I spoke before about being open and honest with your spouse, this is also about the things that you need help with around the house. If there is something that you need your husband to do then just ask. Please don't sit around thinking he should have seen this loose cabinet doo. Or this overflowing garbage. Never expect anyone to know what you know, or to think what you think. Just gently point out that you need some help with the cabinet and ask if he could take a look whenever he gets a chance. A please and a thank you can go a long way. In most cases just asking for help can strengthen your relationship. It also reminds him that you need and appreciate him. Communication and intimacy is the glue that keeps you together. But, that's a subject we’ll tackle at another time.
Also, be mindful, if you aren't able to control an argument or a fight try to do it in private. But if you find yourself in a heated argument in front of your children it can be ok. It can be healthy for your children to see that couples do not always see eye to eye. Yet when they do have disagreements they are able to clearly articulate what is bothering them come with possible solutions and sometimes just agree to disagree. Either way. They need to see both sides. Your children, however, should not be exposed to fight after fight, but they should be exposed to the fight the must also be witness to the resolution and the make up that happens after it.
Now, what if you have small children? And you can't leave them alone so that you can go on a walk or take a long break? You need to talk to your spouse about taking part in the childcare or supervision of small children or the kids. The truth is, this time has been stressful for most kids too. Just as you need space, they need space from you. I know as a mom and a caretaker for the family you probably feel like a short-order cook at times and you think you need to be everything for everyone all the time. In order to make this easier on yourself have everyone participate as much as possible or at least when you know you need help. If you were not aware, I am a huge advocate for meal planning. Have your children come up with snack ideas and lunch options. Be sure to choose some they can access themselves. If your children are anything like mine and they want lavish meals for breakfast lunch and dinner then maybe you should give them options. Such as, which cereal do you want me to purchase, offer three options for lunch, let them pick a side for dinner on a random day during the week. Getting everyone involved will make it light on yourself as well as giving them control over something. This can be significant in a time like this when so many things are out of our control.
Please don't forget, if you need help PLEASE get help. Reach out to a therapist or psychologist and get the help that you all need. Also if there is violence in your home don't hesitate to call the domestic hotline 800-799-7233. If you feel that you are having a hard time controlling your emotions please get help before you hurt someone else. You can text the Crisis hotline to speak to a therapist. Text HOME to 741741.
In order to get us through this safely, and happily ever after, your best strategy is to be kind, be respectful, and be honest. Take time to yourself while stuck together. Do some things together as a family that you don't normally do.. Get back to having dinner together, movie nights, family game night. All those things you may have taken for granted. Take a walk when needed. Then come back home or go to your designated room, chair, or area. Ultimately, do what you need to do to gather yourself and protect your peace of mind, as well as your loved ones. This too will pass.
Until the next time from one Married Mom and Mogul to another, We CAN handle all the things TOGETHER!
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